The Patron Saint of Schemers – Saint Andrew



The Patron Saint of Schemers - Saint Andrew

“Do eh look like eh’m wi’ Iron Maiden?”

Schemers has now been officially showcased and translated for subtitles at many international film festivals, including London, New York, Mexico and Tokyo. An explosion of Dundonian dialect is about to echo around the world, especially with the final song on the movie’s soundtrack, “This World is Phuhl o’ a Number o’ Things”, which is played out during the film’s closing credits and fittingly sung by Saint Andrew, who also has a funny cameo role in the film. But, how the hell did the Japanese film-board translate Saint Andrew’s cameo dialogue, “Do eh look like eh’m wi’ the fuckin’ Maiden?” and “Eh’m only here fir the shitey pipe!”, and, even more so, what on earth did they make of The Word on The Pavey album’s cult-classic, “This World is Phuhl o’ a Number o’ Things”, written by Saint Andrew, and the late Michael Marra?!


By Saint Andrew & Michael Marra

Word on the Pavey album

This world is phul o’ a number o’ things
Ra- Rhumba ra Samba ra Hielan fling
Crivvens, Help ma Boab and Jings
This world is phul o’ a number o’ things

Sahlt and pepper, sugar and muwk
Eammon Bannon, Acker Buwk
Sweetie mice and a’ things bent
Self abuse in a two-man tent
Doags, bairns, taxis, fags
Trumpets, raggies, collecting rags
Snouts, louts and louping trouts
Trout floutin down and out

Minks and tappers come awa
Have a laugh a’ ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
Crivvens, help ma Boab and Jings
This world is phuhl o’ a number o’ things


We luckily tracked doon the patron saint of the Dundee dialect, Saint Andrew, as we had a tip off (cash involved) fae the boy that sells the Tullies ootside the Wellgate that he’s moved his caravan doon to the Dighty Burn near his old Fintry haunt. It was crucial to get a final Schemers opinion from one of the most iconic and glamorous Dundonians to have ever graced the stage at the auld Windmill Bar on the Hulltoon… and survived!



Brought up in Fintry (Fintry Shams)

Fintry Shams

Dundonian music and comedy legend.


CL – “Thanks for agreeing to this short interview in your lovely caravan.”

SA – “Nae bathir, as lang as eh’m back ben-the-hoose in time fur the second half o’ Corrie – pretty shair this is the nicht Roy Cropper treh’s tae neck wi’ Carla Connor. Been on the cairds fir a while.

CL – “Understood. Your appearance in Schemers was confined to a small cameo role – how did this come about?”

SA – Kent Dave McLean fae way back, decent guy deep doon. Clearly educated, as ah his tattoos were spelt richt.”

CL – “That impressed you?”

SA – “Coorse! Meh team, the mighty Shams, were recognised fur thir spellin’ prowess, unlike the Toddy, gie them a packet o’ Lettraset an’ the widna ken wit tae dae wi’ it. Only thing the Toddy wir ivver any guid at wiz fleggin’ the seagulls doon at the Ferry pier.”

Saint Andrew and Conor Berry

Saint Andrew with Conor Berry

CL – “You play the part of a plumber called to the Caird Hall for an emergency call-out. Did you do anything to get into character?”

SA – No’ really. But eh did hae a quick wahnder through the plumbing aisle at B&Q tae see whut wiz whut aforehand. Ast the boy a few general questions aboot blockages an’ copper piping, but that wiz aboot it.”

CL – “And did that help?”

SA – “Nut – no’ really. Ended up spendin’ mair time haranguing the boy whut trehs tae sell ye double glazing at the check-oots, ee’ll think twice afore trehin’ that on me again! [chortles insanely]. Did beh some extra coorse sand paper tho, ayewiz handy t’hae in yer hipper”.

Saint Andrew, Khaled, Kev & Conor

Saint Andrew with Khaled Spiewak, Kev McCabe and Conor Berry

CL – “Has the glamour of movie stardom affected you in any way?”

SA – “Nut. Look pal, ast iz easy questions, eh? Questions whaur eh huv tae think o’ smert erse answers costs dough!”

CL – “OK, sorry! As someone who has lived through the “Stannergate Years” what effect has the likes of the V&A had on you and how do you “see” the “new Dundee”?”

SA – “Are you lookin’ fur a hard wrap in the pus, chief? You’re definitely at it! Seein’ as year astin’ tho’, the V&A itsel’ looks like a decent enough gig, but, see me? – Eh’m keechin’ meh breeks, in a good waye, at the thocht o’ that ‘urban beach’ hingy tae come tae fruition. Jist imagine, lang, hot summer days, hinging oot wi’ a guid mix o’ local worthies and fowk fae Embra or that. A’body enjoying each ither’s company ower an iced frappe or a tin ‘o Speshul Broo. Ken whut wid be great doon there? A whulk stahl. Jist imagine, St Tropez meets The Stoaby. Cannae wait!”

CL – “Do you have a final word for your fans, friends and family?”

SA – “Remember, folks – This World is Phuhl o’ a Number o’ Things!!”

Kev McCabe and Saint Andrew

Saint Andrew with Kev McCabe


Starring in Schemers alongside Saint Andrew are a whole host of other well-kent Dundee characters including Danny Wilson legend Kit Clark; street poet and actor Kev McCabe; Gordon Morris, who has appeared in TV shows for the BBC, Netflix and AMC; and actor and writer Steve Merton. To read more about them and some of the other real-life schemers in the movie click here.

(L-R) Kit Clark, Kev McCabe, Gordon Morris, Steve Merton

Schemers will be screened in Scottish cinemas from Friday 25th September 2020.


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To read our earlier Schemers feature please click here.